WHAT THE BLEEP?

Overheard in a busy clinic:
Patient: Doctor, my friend burned his eye staring directly at the solar eclipse. Should I ask him to come see you?
Doctor: No. There is no treatment for solar retinopathy (sun damage to the retina --Editor).
Patient: Why?
Doctor: Because there's no treatment for stupidity.
-The Angry Medic

 

 

In the middle of a busy night call:

Me: Madam, why have you come to hospital?

Demented Patient: I...I don't know. Do you know why I'm here?

Me: I don't know either.

Patient: Well since we both don't know what we're doing here, why don't we both leave?

Me: That's the best idea I've heard all night.

 

Sometimes demented patients make the most sense.

-The Angry Medic

 

 

While on what I thought a regular weekend A&E shift I walked into the cubicle to find a male patient on the bed awkwardly lying down with another man also at a very strange angle with covers around his arm, it wasn't long before they told me that they had been participating in some 'foreplay' and Mr A had ended up inserting his fist into Mr B's back passage and spontaneously Mr B's anal sphincter had gone into spasm and was fercily contracting down not allowing Mr A's hand free, after some initial shocked silence I tried to examine and I could understand the problem, with no luck in easing this arm out even with excessive amounts of KY jelly we eventually had to refer the men where the anaesthetists had to perform a general anaesthetic before they could relax the sphincter and release his partner's hand. Not sure they will be doing that again soon!
-A&E stories.


While on our surgical rotation, me and a fellow Med Student were somehow persuaded by a junior doctor to do a PR (being observed by the doctor), so she kindly asked if we needed her to go through the method, which I presumed we both knew it so explained it was ok. I 'kindly' allowed my friend do the procedure on the first patient. After he explaining it to the patient and performing the PR the patient seemed to be under a lot of pain, and I didn't realise until after he had finished the doctor said to him 'Next time please just use the one finger!'

-Medical Student '16

The GP prescribed an inhaler for a patient’s cat allergy. He came back a week later saying he was none the better. Turns out, he was spraying the inhaler on the cat.

-Your friendly GP

 

 

"Doctor, I think I'm depressed."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Any idea why?"

"Yes! My son's just told me he doesn't want to get married."

"Oh. Well it's common to feel a bit down due to family disagreements. Shall I arrange for you to see a counsellor?"

"Me?! I don't need a counsellor. My son needs a counsellor!"

"Why?"

"Because he doesn't want to get married! He's obviously crazy. Who wouldn't want to get married?!"

-The Angry Medic

 

 

An amusing prescription error story I heard from a paediatrician:
A mother bought in her unwell baby to PAU, who was quickly diagnosed otitis externa by the doctor, who wrote a prescription for eardrops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: “Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”

-Paediatric Trainee

During a patient’s two-week follow-up appointment with me, he informed me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one? ” I asked. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

-Ilovecardiology

 

 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

-Anonymous

 

 

My favourite story I've ever heard from an Obstetric Consultant: 
A man came into the labour ward and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the taxi!’ The doctor grabbed his stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her under-wear. Suddenly he noticed that there were several taxis — and he was in the wrong one! 
I think he spent the following hours trying to talk himself out of a potential sexual assault charge.

-Dr Mike

 

 

While on the respiratory ward I was examining Mrs A, and on auscultating the anterior chest wall. I say 'big breaths' which she replied 'Well they used to be bigger'!

-Anonymous